Why Crypto's Recovery is a Lie. (- Hot Takes)

Crypto's 2025: Stablecoins Soar, But Who's Really Winning?

So, 2025, huh? Another year, another round of crypto hype. This time, it's all about stablecoins and "institutional adoption." Give me a break. We've been hearing about institutional adoption for, what, a decade now? And stablecoins...let's be real, they're just a slightly less volatile version of the same digital casino chips.

The Global Crypto Policy Review Outlook 2025/26 Report says stablecoins were a "huge focus" for policymakers, with over 70% of jurisdictions "progressing" stablecoin regulation. Progressing? That's PR speak for "trying to figure out how to tax and control this mess." Offcourse, they're going to focus on stablecoins—they're the only part of crypto that even slightly resembles a real-world financial instrument.

And this "regulatory clarity" leading to institutional adoption? Please. What it really means is that big banks and hedge funds finally figured out how to game the system and extract fees from unsuspecting retail investors. It's the same old story, just with blockchain buzzwords sprinkled on top. Eighty percent of jurisdictions seeing financial institutions announce "new digital asset initiatives?" I bet those "initiatives" involve charging outrageous fees for holding your crypto.

Regulatory Theater and North Korean Hackers

TRM Labs also found that regulated VASPs have "significantly lower rates of illicit activity." No freakin' duh. If you jump through enough regulatory hoops, you're less likely to be running a blatant money-laundering operation. But let's not pretend that regulation magically eliminates crime. Crooks will always find a way.

Speaking of crooks, let's not forget North Korea's $1.5 billion Ethereum heist from Bybit. A billion and a half! And they laundered it through OTC brokers, cross-chain bridges, and decentralized exchanges. So much for the "undeniable impact of regulation." It's like putting a speed bump on the Autobahn.

The report whines about "gaps and inconsistencies" in global crypto standards. As if consistency is the answer. Maybe, just maybe, the problem isn't a lack of global coordination, but the inherent absurdity of trying to regulate something that's designed to be decentralized and borderless.

I saw that Argentina expanded VASP registration requirements, introduced a legal framework for tokenized assets, and faced controversy over a presidential memecoin scandal. A memecoin scandal involving the PRESIDENT? You can't make this stuff up. It's like a reality show written by Kafka.

Trump's Crypto Embrace: A Cynic's Take

And then there's the U.S., where the Trump administration supposedly ushered in an era of "crypto-friendly policies." Oh, joy. Because what crypto really needed was more involvement from a guy who sells branded steaks and NFTs.

Seriously, who are we kidding here? This is just another attempt to pump up the market before the next crash. Trump issues an executive order on digital assets emphasizing "innovation" and "rejecting a retail CBDC." Translation: "I want to look like I'm on the cutting edge, but I don't actually understand any of this."

The report says the SEC is "modernizing securities regulation" and "clarifying when tokens qualify as securities." Yeah, right. The SEC is about as modern as a rotary phone. And "clarifying" is just another word for "making up rules as they go along."

The GENIUS Act on stablecoins has passed. Another regulatory monstrosity designed to protect the big players and stifle innovation. "Federal regulators must issue implementing regulations no later than July 18, 2026." That's two years from now! Plenty of time for the whole thing to collapse before anyone even knows what the rules are.

Then again, maybe I'm the crazy one here. Maybe crypto really is on the verge of transforming the world. Maybe stablecoins will usher in a new era of financial inclusion. Maybe Donald Trump is the savior of the digital economy.

Nah. I don't buy it.